What Not to Say to A Person with Cancer

Hey there, lifter uppers. I'm Deb Krier, the cohost of Cancer and Comedy where our mission is to heal cancer impacted people through hope and humor, something we like to call turning the grim into a grin.

Today, we're going to talk about what not to say to someone who has cancer. So, here's the host of our cancer and comedy podcast, Dr. Brad Miller.

Hey, Deb, thank you so much. It's always a pleasure and a delight to spend some time with you.

And our lifter uppers, our cancer and comedy audience, these are the folks who really are making a decision that if they have cancer of the essence, that was bad aptitude, it's not going to ultimately defeat them.

And if they are a supporter of someone or the impact, the impact is in the family or friend, they're going to try to do things that are helpful to them. And we really like to turn this is kind of a shift of attitude.

We'd like to call this an of a shift of attitude from the grim of cancer, to the grant of celebrating life, and to that aspect of coping with hope. And we're like to help people get connected to this type of attitude.

So, we'd like to do that through our podcast, your Cancer and Comedy.

And we really would love for folks to follow our podcast be a part of our community at cancerandcomedy.com/follow. We'd like to have fun here.

So, Deb, how about a couple of bad dad jokes?

Oh, I'm ready.

Why do mushrooms always get invited to parties?

I have no idea.

Because they're fun guy, they're fun.

Cute. Cute. Cute.

Well, one more year, what kind of award did the dentist receive?

I don't know.

Yeah, just a little plaque.

Cute, cute, cute. You know, I love these jokes. They really are so much fun. And you can lighten somebody's day with tiny little jokes like this, right?

And of course, we're going to have another one after our discussion. But we're also going to have our faith It or Break It segment. So, make sure that you stick around for the entire program.

As Dr. Brad said, we would love for you to be part of our cancer and comedy community, where together, we crush cancer with a message of how to cope with hope and humor.

Please follow Cancer and Comedy at cancerandcomedy.com/follow. Well, today we're going to be talking about what not to say to someone who has cancer.

So, Brad, I understand you've compiled a top 10 list of dumb things people say to people with cancer.

Well, yeah, I've compiled a few things. I know you and I've talked before some things that you've heard in your life, and I had a good conversation with my wife.

His name is Deb, Debbie, and she lost her dad to cancer when when she was about 21 years old.

It's been sometime now. But it's still fresh in her memory. She reminded me of some of the dumb things people said to her. And that's going to be on our list here.

And as my career as a pastor, I've heard my share of things as well, as well as my own life. My dad had cancer, and I've had cancer. You've had cancer, we've heard our share of dumb things people have said,

And people aren't trying to be dumb. They just don't know what to say. That's

right. And that's kind of what we want to put that parenthesis around our conversation if you will. A lot of people type people don't know what to say. But when they do say something, it can be can't be hurtful. One of those things that people say number one of the first things they want to list is the number our list is okay. You got cancer. How much time do you have left? Oh, yay. Oh, that doesn't feel too good. Does attend. It just kind of puts an ugly, right twist on the whole thing. That's not really necessary. It seems inappropriate. What is something on your list that we might be there?

It's all right. My grandma had the same type of cancer. Oh, my goodness. And then of course followed up with and how's your grandma doing? I don't know. It killed her.

Right. He just seems like, okay, what's, in some ways, it's like, what’s it got to do with me? And then someone says, you know, that my grandma had the same kind of thing, and just because maybe she got over it, she did go or get over it. That's not totally applicable to your situation. And

it never is. There's always something different. I mean, and that's what I think people need to remember, you know, comparisons don't really work.

Yeah. Comparisons don't work. That's great. To the theme of our conversation, here's a here's another one. At least it's not fill-in-the-blank cancer, you know if you've got stomach cancer, at least it's not brain cancer, whatever. And that doesn't feel good either. Does it? Make people say,

Oh, that was one of the ones? Yeah, I'm like, Yeah, because it's easy to treat, don't worry about it.

Or sometimes it's minimizing the impact on cancer, you know, or comparing the experience to others. I deal with prostate cancer, and I heard more than once, well, you know, so and so, prostate cancer, and, yeah, I'll see, like, if you got to have cancer, that's the one to have. Because they got over. And I'm thinking, I don't feel that. Well, it's so wonderful. What's another one on your list? There may be things inappropriate things people have said.

You've got cancer. Well, wow, you really look great. No, I mean, that's the backhanded compliment, right? Yeah. And that's, yeah, they meant well with it. But I'm like,

I must have had a role ago before.

Because I feel like, you know, I don't. I don't feel good today.

know, like, hey, what's that arm growing on my forehead, or whatever it would be, you know, just terrible thing to say in so many ways.

You know, one of the things that people said to me, or I've heard said,

Have you kind of automatically going to have you try this alternative tree but for this or that, you're not really listening to you, but going, and you try this herb or this pill or this surgery or whatever?

And it just, I don't know, that doesn't seem it?

It seems like they're kind of discounting. The maybe the Medicare that you have gotten? You've heard it, you've heard anything, kind of like that one.

Oh, yeah. All the time.

You know, and, and, again, it is because they don't know what to say. And so, they come up with these things that are just kind of Wackadoodle.

Now, the one I've heard people say, I know exactly how you feel. But no, you don't.

Even if you have the exact same diagnosis, you don't know how I feel.

Yeah. cuz everybody's emotional reaction is different. Now, you will talk a little bit about what to say, but that one can be easily turned around. From I know how you feel.

Can you say, you know, I'm, I'm having some feelings here, you know, I just hurt with you, or my heart aches for you

something like an empathetic approach, as opposed to kind of a condescending approach, I think is appropriate here.

Do you have another one there? Yeah,

so, one of my cancers, because I've had several skin cancers, right?

And I've actually had people who said, well, you know, you got that because you stayed out in the sun too much. Oh, really? Are you going to tell somebody who smoked?

What do you deserve that you deserve lung cancer?

Well, there's that kind of thing. And overweight people get that a lot. You know the, the idea there is that, okay, you because this happened? This is to happen. So, it's all your fault.

You know, and, you know, we all know there are health risk factors, COVID, comorbidities, I call it overweight, smoking.

You know, you some people are in war situations where there was, you know, chem, Agent Orange, new, a new guy died of cancer of Agent Orange, you know, from the Vietnam era took him 40 years to get it, but he got it. But so was your fault.

You went to Vietnam, you know, and all that kind of stuff. You know, there's all that kind of stuff there. Yeah. Well, here's another one that my wife and I talked about that really irks me because I've heard this one so many times.

Well, God's got a plan for this. This is God's plan for this. This is one that particularly irks my wife because she heard this

when her dad was dying of cancer, and I've heard it a lot. A lot of times, it is very condescending and dismissive to the person and to God for that. But it is,

I always want to say, Well, gee, thanks, God. Yeah. It's like

God fist singled you out to give you cancer and whatever it would be. And I've, I have thought about this particular one

a couple of times. In regards to situations where children are people who were really quite innocent and had cancer or some

other disease. I've turned around that a couple of times; well, there's just no way that three-month-old fainted I had

to bury because of some cancer situation was anyway, you know, cause this to happen. You know, it just

very hurtful. I know that Debbie, my wife, was saying how that was the one that kind of stuck the most of this tool elicits

that kind of thing, because that's kind of also kind of a, it's a religious platitude. It's just, in some ways, it's a throwaway

line, isn't it? You know, God had a plan for you, you know, you're hurting. Like I've heard

the very similar one with God doesn't give you anything that you can't get through.

That's right. That's another aspect of it. Right?

And again, it's a platitude. And, uh, you know, it's, and I always go, huh, when people tell me that I'm like, Yeah, I'm not

quite sure even what say, I mean, because I don't want to say, well, yeah, but it really sucks.

That's what you felt. And that's what I felt. And that's what it is, you know, sometimes things just do suck. And, you

know, I believe I'm just not a believer that God causes these things to happen. God kind of is a creator of the

universe where bad things happen, and God grieves with us. God doesn't cause these things to

happen, or does it cause them to have to somehow make us stronger or whatever? And you know what? They have? Not everybody can handle it. Well, there are many, many people I want to, you know, Pete. Sometimes what he

says God can't get you to give you something you can handle? Well, that's just nonsense. Because there are plenty of people who

fall apart, who aren't; there are plenty of people who don't make it who give up, you know, there are people who have

the same kind of cancer, and they are gone within a few weeks. And other people, you know, are known for decades. So, I don't buy it.

Well, that might be God's plan. But that doesn't make it feel any better.

I also know it's not a matter where it is; one person's judgment is applicable.

Here it is, you know if we put it in God's hands, but it is not where we can kind of impose God's Will here is kind of understand God's will.

So yeah. If you've heard the one where it's you aware, you're so brave, and you're so strong? Have you ever heard that one? You

know, and that's kind of one of those mixed ones? Because I appreciate what they're saying. But at the same point, then

I feel like if I'm having a bad day, or you know, things like that, that I can't share that with them because then they're gonna think I'm not brave. I'm not strong.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it works kind of works both ways there, you know, sometimes tone and approach make a difference

here. You know, there's kind of this pity party that some people have for you. Oh, you're so great. Oh, yeah. And you're like, oh, and that's, that doesn't work, either. And there are some people who have maybe you've experienced this, both,

you know, I'll just get a little personal with both of us here. Just for a second, I think we can go there. You know, your cancer was breast cancer, or at least one of the cancers you face. Mine is prostate cancer. And, and so it has happened

to me, at least, where someone has said something kind of, well, how are things going down there or your sex life or

anything along that line? That has anybody ever said anything like that to you that you kind of like, okay, that's just not necessary.

I've had people say, you know because I did not have implants, but I have prosthetics that I wear. And so, people will

comment on those. And I'm like, Oh, okay. I've even had doctors say, you know, it's like, um, if I want to share, I

will, but don't ask. Yeah. Yeah. And it's kind of answered who is asking to, you know, and sometimes if I've asked like, I,

when I was first going through this process, I purposely sought out a couple of friends of mine who had prostate cancer. Yes.

And that was a part of the conversation, right? Oh, yeah. But it's because I asked the question, not because

about what you went through. Yeah. What's

going on out there? You know, that kind of stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've had people that have said, well, you're old you didn't need those bosoms anymore. God, okay.

They actually said it in more vulgar terms.

Yeah, I go, I got you. I believe my further say, thank you. Well, you're done having kids. So, you know, it doesn't matter. You're like, you don't, you know, you don't need an erection anymore. You don't need that kind of stuff anymore.

You don't need that. I go I beg to differ, you know, that kind of stuff. And then that is also kind of where we're talking about this area of being kind of inappropriate. It's about the physical nature.

And I'm not sure if you've gone through this.

I know people will have but you know, there are things. There are questions people ask about appearance, and I'm talking about some things like hair loss.

Oh, yeah.

Or other things, kind of like

you look good bald. Yeah. Thanks.

Yeah, it just, you know, just work, you know, and some people have other physical manifestations of their cancer, their skin.

I actually had somebody tugging on my hair. They wanted to know if I was wearing a wig. It was my hair,

and it hurt. And I was flabbergasted that they would even do that. And I said, would you have pulled it off? If it was

a wig? I mean, it just, you know, and then they, then they, of course, didn't know what to do. And it became a very awkward moment. But yeah, I mean, you know, that's an especially, you know, it's funny. I think hair is something that

means a lot, especially for women. Right, you know, that is kind of one of the things. But yeah, you know, just again, follow their lead.

You know, and I think that one of the biggest things is to follow somebody's lead when you're talking about this.

That's a good point about following the lead of the person with cancer what you're talking about most of the

time, right? And help. Let them give you the openings in a conversation to go there. And I think part of this has to do with what's appropriate, what's inappropriate has to do with how we approach it, meaning, you don't know normally,

you wouldn't ask somebody to jump into somebody's more intimate things when you're first meeting somebody for the first time, right? But first of my case with some of my friends who I've known for 40 years, and I say, okay, let's just, let's

try, let's get nitty gritty, let's talk about this kind of thing. But also, maybe there are openings at a conversation. Maybe it's a counselor or a friend, maybe you've known for a long time, but maybe this is an opening for a deeper level of

conversation. But they're the superficial, and it is not the place sometimes, you know, to do this type of type, right? I don't know. Sometimes people do also, another level of questioning that tongue comes into place, what not to say is, Well, hey,

are you going to? You know, you're going to be raising money for cancer now, or were you going to be? Yeah, when you get up? Boy, poster girl, that kind of stuff. Or, you know, sometimes, sometimes people are also in denial of what you're

doing. But you look too good. You don't really have cancer, do you?

Yeah, you know, I've had that because, you know, I have a handicap sticker on my vehicle. Yeah, I very rarely use it,

I have to be not doing well in order to use it. And, and I, I really make sure that I'm not taking the last spot, you know,

doesn't matter if I'm feeling really bad. I'm not going to take the last spot. But I have had people that have said,

well, you don't look like you need that. And, of course, we hear that all the time. Because there are so many reasons why

somebody has a handicap sticker that is not visible. You know, and so just trust that they have it because their doctor and they felt that they needed it.

Yeah. And that those are situations where someone's basically accusing you of taking advantage right of your situation. And that doesn't feel good either. Well,

and I admit, there are times when I look at somebody and think they don't look like they need that. Why are they parking there?

No, people with people canceled like you, and I don't we're not we're not excluded from asking dumb questions or

doing dumb stuff. Yep, I certainly have done that. So, I think, what, how do we respond to this in general? Then we're gonna have a whole episode sometime later about what to say. How do you think in general, people can respond

earthy, have some framework to work with about, you know, we went about so we don't stick our foot in our mouth. What do you think people can kind of do or be aware of,

you know, I like we said, you need to follow somebody's lead. You know, and one of the worst things I think, is to ignore it.

You know, and because it but that is that catch 22 Right? We don't want to say the wrong thing.

So we don't say anything. And you know, it's okay to say Hey, Brad, how you doing? You and you can take it in whatever direction you want, right?

Tailored a little bit of open-ended type of thing and right. I guess what I would say is just kind of bring us around. Don't

think advice so much. Right? Just think conversate, think empathy. Think empathy, think Listen, listening? Yeah, be

behind, be kind, yes. Think it through a little bit. Maybe if you know you're going to be meeting someone or have an encounter with someone about cancer, or our, you know, just someone, whatever, just try to think it through a little bit.

But basically, having a listening ear and empathetic voice-over telling people what to do with advice that's not a bad deal for anybody.

You know, I reach out to folks, and all I say is something along the lines of just checking in to see how you're doing.

Yeah, then they can choose where they want to go from there. You know, when and, and, you know, in some cases, we

go in a totally different direction that I wasn't expecting other times, it's, you know, a very, very detailed discussion, but that's okay. That was their choice.

Also, give someone an opportunity when you put it in that kind of terms. If they don't really want to engage, you

know, you don't have to. I'm just fine. I'm doing okay. And managing, you know, thanks for asking, you know, see you later kind of thing, you know, and we can kind of leave it at that. And I think that's helpful, too, because it just goes to

not only our conversation here is nothing for those people who are approaching people cancer. It's how we, as cancer patients, right?

Deal with this ourselves, how do we navigate this and negotiate this ourselves, right? And then how we deal with other people in our in our life,

I always try to remember that, usually, someone is asking out of the goodness of their heart; they're trying to help,

they're trying to have empathy. But again, they don't know how to say it. You know, and so that's how I try to respond. Now, when you try and pull my hair I get really annoyed. But yet imagine, yeah, you know, if somebody just says you

know, I had multiple people who, you know, obviously, you have said, you look like you're doing really well. And I almost always choose to say I am Thank you, you know, AND, and OR but, you know when even when they've offered the, you

know, then, are you? Are you drinking lots of this? Are you doing lots of this? You know, sometimes yes, sometimes no, you know, but I always try to remember that they mean, well, they just don't always say it in the right way. And

that's where I think we come in. Hopefully, we hear cancer, comedy, podcasts, and other ways that can be helpful. Just

to raise awareness that sometimes people say and do dumb things regarding cancer and things like that, and how

we can get some guidance on this. And I think just kind of this, what we're just saying here, what you just said there, the phrase, how, you know, kind of how are you doing? How's it going? Live it just that in and of itself, is that? That and I would

say one of the things could be helpful, just a presence, you know, let your conscious your empathy, your relationship, be your guide, be a presence, and just say, hey, I'm here to be helpful if I can help him want to be maybe an offer

something specific, can I bring you a meal, something like that if depending on what the circumstances, but not to try to over whelmed or overdue or try to, you know, offer too much advice, that kind of thing. But I think we've had a

good discussion here. Hopefully, it's helpful to our audience. And in a future episode of this, we're going to talk about what to say

Because that is just as challenging, that's right. That's right. Well, we always have to have humor in this and I think this is you know, we talk about this a lot that humor helps us heal, so we're gonna have another Dr. Brad's Bad joke of the day.