Unleashing Your Inner Voice: Courtney Elmer’s Journey to Empowerment and Fulfillment

Courtney Elmer is with us from theeffortlesslife.co, and as the podcast's insider secrets to top 100 podcasts.

Brad, thank you for having me. I'm delighted; it's an honor to be here. We have a lot to talk about; I can't wait to dig in with you.

Tell me about one or maybe two things that have come into your life recently, Courtney, which have kind of lit you up, brightened you up, or given you a little bit of lift.

Yes. So, you know, a couple of things this year, frankly, back through history, you can connect the dots and see your path and how it's unfolded and how certain things now may have more meaning or thoughts around why that could have happened. This year, there was a big dot on my map, learning how to trust my voice in a much deeper and bigger way than I had been doing. When I was about nine years old, my mom's favorite thing to say to me was, "Courtney, your mouth gets you in trouble." If she said it once, she said it a thousand times, and I know she meant well. She was trying to teach me respect. "Hey, you don't sass people. You talk respectfully. You can't just blab on about your opinion because you think you're right and others are wrong. You have to take into consideration what others are trying to say." I heard you mention that. But at the time, I didn't. There was one day when she said that to me, and Brad, I can remember this like yesterday. She was standing at the sink, washing dishes. She turns and looks at me; the water is dripping down off her elbow onto the floor. "Your mouth, Courtney, gets you in trouble. Go to your room." I walk down the long hallway to my room, and I remember deciding in that moment, largely an unconscious decision, but something within me shifted where part of me decided it wasn't worth using my voice if I was just going to get punished for it and told not to speak, told to be quiet. Maybe it wasn't worth speaking up. So for the next 20 plus years, I silenced my voice. People would present boxes to me, "Here's how you should be, here's what you should do, here's how you should look, how you should act, how you should talk." And I would try to fit myself into their boxes. We all do this to some degree. Deep down, five emotional needs every human has; three of them are to be heard, to be understood, and to be valued. That's all I wanted. But the coping mechanisms I chose in my childlike brain at the time, in order to earn that love and affection from other people, was to not let them really get to know Courtney, to not let them get to know me. And in working to protect my heart through the years, I lost sight of who I was in the process. So this year is a big dot on my map because this was the year where I feel like I've come full circle to have a deeper understanding of not only who I am but how I'm meant to serve in the work that I'm here to do, to trust the voice that God has given me to use to carry that out.

You mentioned going full circle and the big dot on your calendar as on your journey to hear your voice or reclaim your voice. That, for whatever reason, was suppressed by your upbringing or other things in life. You heard this voice, and in my parlance, you know, I come from a pastoral background, things like this, it says a little bit about calling and about having a purpose in life. And out of that comes a sense of a place that you have. And that's all a good thing. So you find yourself now in a good place. Have you always been in recent years in your adult life always been in a pretty good place? Or is this kind of a recent thing for you?

The growth I've experienced to the degree I have this year hasn't always been the case. Prior to that, there were good moments and good seasons, and there was growth happening. Challenges, like we all face, would present themselves, and I'd look back and say, "Oh, that's what I was meant to learn from that." But there was also a time in my life before that where I wanted to give up. There were moments I was suicidal, didn't know if I had it in me to live another day. Having been in those dark places has given me perspective on the light and the good in life and the things we can choose to be grateful for. Depression is a real thing, and I'm grateful for the people in my life - therapists, doctors, mentors - who helped me through those dark seasons. I wouldn't be here without them, and I'm very grateful for that. At the same time, a lot of people tend to talk about positivity and just everything's gonna be okay, it's all going to work itself out, or this is God's plan for you. And look, I believe in God; I am listening as best I can to tune my voice to His Spirit every day. I think there's this toxic positivity to some degree, I agree to love it. There are people that tend to whitewash. So having been to those dark places gives me the perspective that while things are good now, it doesn't mean they always will be that way. And it doesn't mean that it was bad to be in those dark places. The ebbs and the flows, it's the light at the end of the tunnel. For me, throughout my journey, I had to learn to believe that there was always light at the end of the tunnel, even when I couldn't see it. And that was what pulled me through a lot of times.

So, you had to learn to believe and understand these ebbs and flows come. But when the ebbs and flows are happening at the time, it can be pretty devastating. It can rock your world; for some people, they do not pull out of it. Loneliness and depression are at epidemic proportions right now, and we know that things like suicide ideation are prevalent. Sometimes people have this feeling that things go from bad to worse. Ed, I'd like you to go with me for a time when they kind of went from bad to worse for you when you had a hit from a doc that really rocked your world. Tell me about that a little bit.

Yeah. So, I'll take you back to my early 20s. At the time, I had done what most people do: get a degree, find a good job, start collecting a paycheck, and work as hard as you can to climb the ladder of success. Success, in air quotes, right? The world's version of success factors, you know, worked in finance, worked in retail, worked in design and textiles. I never really found my fit, and I felt like there was, going back to voices, a little voice inside that there was something more that I was meant for, something else that I was meant to do. I always dreamed of owning my own business, working closely with people. I really value connection. The lines of work I found myself in were unfulfilling because they weren't utilizing my gifts, my natural talents. But in the name of success, I continued down that path. While on the outside, I was successful, on the inside, I was unhappy. During that time, though, I did meet the love of my life. He was the light in my tunnel. And that, in that sense, got married, went on our honeymoon, came back from the honeymoon, and I had a follow-up visit with my doctor planned. Two days after we got home from the honeymoon. It was just a checkup because I had a bad sinus infection before the wedding. Went into the doctor that day. I sat down, and Brad, I remember this so clearly. He looks at me and he's like, "Courtney, your case falls beyond my area of expertise. So, I'm gonna introduce you today to another doctor on our staff. This is her area of expertise." Sure enough, there was a knock at the door. She walks in; he hands me off to her, and he leaves. That was jarring in and of itself because, well, I thought I was walking in to say, "Hey, everything checks out. Your blood work came back normal. Nothing worse is going on. You're good to go." So, I can remember sitting in that chair with those awful fluorescent lights overhead, gripping my brand new husband's hand, as this new doctor sits down. She looks at me and says, "Courtney, I know that this is not the most wonderful introduction that we'll have. We're not meeting on the best of terms." I'm like, "What terms? What's going on?" She said, "I'm just gonna cut to the chase. You have thyroid cancer. Now, you're the youngest patient I've ever had to diagnose with this. The good news is it's one of the most treatable cancers that exist. That's the good news. The bad news is that your specific case, you've got this aggressive mutation that has started to spread, and we need to remove your thyroid as soon as possible. I've made a spot for you on my surgery schedule. I will see you next Monday at seven o'clock." I can remember it was like a scene in a movie. Maybe you've had this experience. Maybe, for you listening, you can relate to this. But, you know, in a movie where, like, suddenly the actor gets some news. Everything slows down. It's like slow motion, and the sound kind of goes away. And you just hear this ringing in your ears. It's your own thoughts. That was what it was like in that moment, where it was like my whole world just came to a screeching halt. In that moment, things with my own mortality, I realized that I needed to make some changes. Because if I was going to get on the other side of this, not only did I need to believe that I would, but also that if I were to be given the gift of my life and a second chance to continue living, I couldn't keep living the way that I was living. I couldn't keep throwing the gifts and talents that I had been given to the side in pursuit of the world's version of success.

I love how you framed this part of the conversation with great detail. When I ask people about their experiences of getting the word, sometimes call it, you know, I got the word about my cancer on a phone call today, after Christmas, dealing with Christmas stuff, and you dealt with a wedding. But then you have to deal with this right after. You mentioned holding your husband's hand, the fluorescent lights, the tone of both doctors, all that stuff is just imprinted upon your psyche and your soul. And now the point is, what do you do with that, Courtney? What do you do with that impression we are imprinted with at that moment, that tragic moment, that transformational moment, which changes us one way or another, either to a decline and to bad, dark places? Or it can change us to a pivot point to something different, maybe even better. Tell me about some of the journey that you made at that point. You mentioned, I was sighted more or less right then to make some changes. What did you do? What were some of the changes that you made? Or how did you navigate this?

What was so interesting was that the other thing the doctor said to me that day, and she said, "Courtney, as your doctor, I have to let you know the risks of this surgery." She said the biggest one is that if my hand slips or anything doesn't go according to plan, as it usually does, but of course, there's always risk, your vocal cords could be severed, and you might lose your voice permanently. And in that moment, how ironic, you know, the irony was not lost on me that for someone who had silenced her voice all those years, who had given it away, who had given her power to other people and their opinions of her, to be so terrified of losing my voice in that moment. That to me was something that I knew. And I think that was what clued me into the areas that I was not using these gifts that I mentioned. I have a degree in English literature; people have always told me through the years, "You write so beautifully, you communicate so well, you speak so eloquently." I brushed off these things just as quickly. And that was when I realized I had these gifts that I wasn't using. I couldn't see myself moving forward from that moment without finding a way to use those. After getting through radiation, recovery, surgery, treatment, and everything that followed, I went to a talk that someone gave, an author promoting her new book. In the book, she tells her story, her struggle, adversity, and what came of it, much like we're talking today and where she is in the world now. During her talk, and many times thereafter, two words kept coming to my mind: write and speak. Now, I journaled on this – write and speak. Okay. I wish I could say I just did a complete 180, launched a podcast, started a business, and graced stages around the world ever since. It didn't quite go that way. I didn't have the courage to suddenly step forth and be this leader or be this expert in one thing or another, to use my voice. Remember, I had been suppressing it for so many years. That was not the norm. Therefore, it was very outside of my comfort zone and very terrifying. Yet, this message kept coming back to me: write and speak. When I would talk to people, "You should write, you should speak." At my event, it took me a couple of years to fully make the leap, started working in that direction. I started finding ways to use my gifts, even if they were small ways, to write and to speak. I finally said, "You know, I can't keep living with one foot in one boat and one foot in the other, still holding onto my previous identity of who I was in the corporate space while also trying to step more fully into who I've been created to be." Using my gifts in service of others. I said, "You know what? I'm gonna go all in. Both feet in one boat. Wherever this leads me, this." I left a letter of resignation on his desk, and he came to me, "What is this? Why are you resigning? What is it, one, you know?" And I'm like, "I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I've got two weeks left here." And I walked away. That was really hard to do. That was a huge step for me. It was one of the first opportunities that I had to really take ownership of my voice.

That's an amazing aspect of your story where your ownership of your voice eventually led you to paint a canvas of greater opportunity, a leveraged moment enough that you took significant, massive action. A lot of people won't leave their job; a lot of people won't do the other things necessary. So you took some action, and I love that. That's part of what I like to teach: taking action is really a part of what you have to do. Another part that I think is involved here, I just want to ask you about it, Courtney. Was there any aspect of this whole experience for you at this point in your journey of recovery? Was there a spiritual aspect or a sense of power greater than self that was somehow involved or guiding you? You've mentioned your husband, and I'm sure there are other people involved too. Was there any sense of calling or spiritual presence that played a role in all this recovery?

Undeniably, I grew up in a very religious household, faith-filled parents always trying to teach us right from wrong. I was homeschooled from fourth grade all the way through 12th grade because my parents had a different perspective than most. While to some degree, they wanted to protect us from the world and its influences, the other side was they really wanted to instill faith in us, a relationship with God, and that belief. For a long time, though, to be completely honest with you, I rejected that inwardly. I'd go to church, go to youth group, participate with my friends, play piano in the choir, outward expressions of my faith. But inwardly, I didn't fully accept it, primarily because my relationship with my mom was tenuous. Anything she did, I wanted to do the opposite. So there was that inward rebellion. It wasn't until this cancer diagnosis and following that, that I feel I really began to develop a relationship with the Lord that was my own, not my mom's, not my dad's, not my friends at youth group, not the people sitting next to me in church on Sundays, but my dialogue with Jesus. Having been someone who wasn't very attuned to listening to that inner voice, both my own and what we might like to say, the voice of the Holy Spirit or God whispering in your ear, I wasn't a very good listener. So my dialogue with God then was mostly like, "Okay, please let this work out. Here's a problem I need your help to solve. I'm driving in traffic, I gotta get there on time. Can you please help me?" It was all these surface-level problems, always asking for help. Since then, very blessed and grateful that relationship has deepened. It shifted into one that's more attuned, where I seek to listen more to where God is leading me. Just those two words I shared with you, write and speak, those didn't come from me. But there's a felt sense when you hear that call, and I had that felt sense that didn't really make logical sense at the time that this was what I was meant to do. Then, of course, it became a problem that I needed God's help to fix. "How do I actually go and do that, God? You want me to write, you want me to speak, cool. What do you want me to do with this? You're gonna have to figure this out for me." Through the years, I've learned a lesson. In fact, just this past weekend, at the time of this recording, I spent four days on a silent retreat, just listening and trying to connect with what God wants for me, how I can go back out into the world and serve others who I believe were all created in His image and likeness. I can serve Him through serving others. That has been a very significant part of my journey, and I appreciate the question because I don't get an opportunity to talk about that often.

If I'm hearing your voice here today, you had to have a sense of listening to the inner voice, what the Bible sometimes calls the still small voice. You can't listen to that whisper, that still small voice if you're yakking. You just can't listen. But that became a resource then to help you find your voice to share with others. You've said how you felt this calling, this spirit to write and to speak. What did you actually do about it, which was transformational? What were the new practices, habits, or procedures?

Yeah, so I started a blog. I got a lot of pushback from that because the topics I was talking about were not acceptable to everyone in the family. This is me just trying to fully express myself and then suddenly got that pushback and shut the blog down.

Because sometimes when we're vulnerable, we don't expect the repercussions of it.

So those repercussions were very obvious to me, and I learned a lot from that. It gave me pause and helped me realize that maybe the way in which I had gone about writing what I was writing wasn't the best way. So I did have some takeaways there. But I guess the downside of that would be that I kind of shoved the dream to the side again and ignored the voice again. It was like, "Okay, well, I started writing, but then people didn't like it. So I'm not gonna do that anymore." I'd always had a side hustle. This was before I started my own business, and I was working nine to five and had a network marketing business on the side and was often asked to speak and present at these events. So I'm speaking, I'm presenting on anti-aging cream, and home decor, and things, right? Again, not exactly what I feel like I was maybe being called to do. But hey, here I am using my voice, I'm using my voice, Lord, I'm doing it. But again, your practice. The practice piece is so key. I had to start somewhere. It wasn't what I'm doing now, but I had to start somewhere.

That's awesome. And now you've practiced, you've had this personal experience, you've had your cancer. I know if we set it up, I think it's somewhere along that line, you had a child too, then you and that whole process. So that's part of life too. You got married, you had a child, you had cancer, you've changed jobs, you love to jumpstart a career. And you've had all those things about voice in writing. Now, when I talk to you about how you leverage all this to serve other people, how you do not only build a business but build a business with not only your voice with your voice in your writing but with heart, in order to be transformational, you are the go-to guide to turning voice and a catalyst for positive change. Let's talk about how what you do now helps evoke positive change in others. I know you're leaning into podcasts these days. What are you doing these days to help evoke positive change in others?

Yeah. So when it comes to the voice, where we have to start is identifying what is your voice story? Once you identify that, where is it holding you back? Because often through life, Brad, the voices we listened to are not ours. And they're not of God. There were many voices in my life that I listened to, that were not mine. So we have to begin to attune our ear before we can go out and create positive change in the world with our voices, we have to first go within. And we have to attune our ear to listening to our voice. What is it saying? What is my true voice, and then stepping out in courage, trusting ourselves to say what we feel called to say. This was way outside of my comfort zone. This was not, you know, I was not used to speaking up in a crowd or, you know, group project in school. I may be the first one to share what I think we should do, or whatever one else, whatever y'all think is fine. Great. Let's go with that. So it takes a lot of courage to begin to trust your voice and to use it. It's like a muscle. Mine had atrophied. And I had to start revitalizing and rehabilitating it to be able to get to the point now where I do use my voice more freely. So that's the first step: identifying what's holding you back from using your voice. That is what I call your voice story. For me, it was my mom telling me that your mouth gets you in trouble. And then a part of me believing that for a long period of time and reordering my life around that belief. But when I began to tune myself to what that voice story is, then I could shift beyond that belief, I can replace it with new, healthier beliefs, and free myself from that negative, if you want to label it right, that unpleasant or negative belief that was holding me back. That's step number one. But then to specifically answer your question, how do we help other people, you know, when it comes to using your voice, to create positive change, the vehicle we use for that is a podcast. But regardless of what vehicle you use or what platform you use, the first step is listening and trust, listening and trust of that voice. Because I believe this is what I believe that God created you for a very specific purpose: first to know, love, and serve him. Secondly, to carry out his work in the world in a very specific way. A lot of times that way is tied to our own personal journey and story that we've had to go through or grow through in order to become the person that we are meant to be and to help other people do the same thing. But at a deeper level, that's what it comes down to is the calling that's been placed on your heart, the meaningful change that you're meant to create in the world, and trusting that calling and trusting the gifts that you've been given, your voice being one of them, to be able to do that and to carry that out.

I want to reflect with you, but I want to push back just a little bit. What do we say to the person who has been devastated by something in life and it's really hard for them to recover from that? It might be cancer, it might be a divorce, it might be the loss of a loved one, or it might be losing your job, kids, parents, or any number of relationship issues. And they are devastated. You know, there's a temptation to give up, and maybe they've seen others kind of give up on life and just start metaphorically punching the time clock, just get through day to day, get through. What do we say to those people who are tempted to give up? And we know that in business, podcasts, and lots of things, a lot of people do give up. What do we say to that person who is tempted to give up?

You know, what's so ironic here is that I wouldn't actually say anything; I would listen. For a lot of people that are going through a hard time, they're not looking for advice; they're not looking for the next tip on how to get out of this difficult situation. They're just looking for someone to walk with them. They're looking for someone to be there in their pain. If I were sitting across the table from that person, having a cup of coffee, the last thing that I would want to do to show that person that I'm here, I'm with you, I hear you, you matter to me, would be to talk. And I think sometimes using our voice, the flip side of that is strategically choosing when not to use it and using it, therefore, in the sense that when that person feels heard, who are they going to think of when time passes? As my mom always used to say, she had a lot of sayings, but this was another one, she said, "time heals." And so sometimes when you're in that dark valley, and you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though you are holding on to your last shreds of hope, hoping that it's there, the next thing to help, sometimes the only thing that can do that is time. And like my mom always said, time heals. So in those moments when someone's in the dark valley, I think the most powerful thing we could do is listen. Because when they get to the other side, when that time does heal, when they do see that light, who are they going to look back and think of? And will you have created some influence in their life because you were there and you listened?

So, thinking, reflecting with you, what you're saying here, Courtney, not speaking also means to be actively listening. Because there are sometimes, like you said earlier in your life, and you referred to your mother several times, you felt suppressed, or voiceless. And there's a difference between that and being a good listener and reflecting back with people, kind of knowing when it is the timing wise, when's the right moment to reflect and reflect back with them about what they are or sharing. But let's take the next step of the healing, the healing journey. Really, what we've been talking about a lot here, Courtney, is the healing journey, right? We've talked about the healing journey that you went through, not only in your cancer, but with your family relationships, and your business-wise, and so on. And the healing journey also means there comes a point when one needs to, okay, I need to make the transition. I need a flip, the flip, the switch, as it were. When a time comes around, it seems to me you have the ability to kind of see things a little differently than many do. You approach things with a bit of a psychological perspective and things like that. What are some things that people can do if they have said, "Okay, I've gone through this bad time. Listen, I'm reflecting, the pathway to healing. But you know, Courtney, I'm kind of ready to get after it now. I already have some success in life. I'm ready now to heal but to thrive. What are some directions you might help someone go through and or guide them in that way?"

Yeah, so the first thing I would do is I would go back to what you said about "I'm going through a bad time." And I would simply change the language around that, say, "I'm growing through a bad time." And I know that you would agree with this, Brad. And, you know, for those listening right now who are experiencing a time of darkness in your life, our language is really important. Yes, how we speak to others, and how we speak to ourselves. And we are so quick as humans to notice our faults or failings or shortcomings, where things aren't going right, where things aren't perfect. And sometimes in those dark moments, those things get magnified. So one very simple shift that we can begin to make is, instead of saying, "I'm going through this hard time," is saying, "I'm growing through this," even if you don't see what the growth is, even if that may mean maybe that won't even come to fruition until a year from now. You'll be able to look back on this moment and say, "That was really hard. And now I know why I had to grow through that, right? Why I had to go through that." So just shifting that language will help your mind stop holding on to the darkness so tightly, wanting to control the outcome, control the timeline—speak from experience.

You know, last year was a really dark season in my life. I woke up one day, and in our family group text, had a message that two of our good friends went missing the night before, one of whom was the pastor at our church where I grew up. The other was a close family friend that I'd known through the years, had worked with through the years, and then had seen not three weeks before. Over the course of the next few days, we found out that both of them were victims of a random hate crime where they were murdered, and their bodies were burned beyond recognition. And when I tell you, my world stopped, again, our mortality can shift perspective so quickly. That was very jarring. And it sent me into a really dark place. Shortly after that, Brad, we met at Pod Launch, that podcasting conference that was in January. On the way home from that conference, I got a phone call in the airport, letting me know that my aunt and godmother had lost her battle with Alzheimer's, and she had passed away. And I'm standing there, in the Orlando, Concourse B, in front of the little Hudson News gift shop, tears streaming down my face. And again, my world stopped. And those two experiences of grief and loss happening so back-to-back, kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. And I went into a place where I was like, "You know what, I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel here. I don't care if I'm growing through what I'm going through. This is hard." And simply by changing that language and holding on to that hope that I would grow through this, to believe that I would, that belief is so powerful. But I had to go through that because what I experienced next was the full-circle moment, when I realized the work that I'm here to do, going back to the voice that we've been talking about, to recognize where I hadn't been using it. And the opportunity I had to take ownership of it. I would have never realized that had that dark season not happened.

Fascinating, in the way you have framed that conversation now. But I imagine, as you think about those relationships that you had, that you lost tragically in a short period of time, with your aunt and your pastor and your friend, you also remember those pleasant memories, don't you? The pleasant parts about them because that's why they're impactful in your life. That's what I want to leave us with. Your voice comes from an inner place but also can be expressed to others. And a voice can express the inflection of a voice breaking because of heartbreak. It can also sing soaring songs. It can be one of exultation and laughter, but it matters that there's energy and there's emotion. And there's that personhood behind that. And that's what can, I believe, can lead to success in life. When you travel through the wilderness experience and you come to your promise life, you get through it. And you come to that good place. Describe to me now your good place now in your life. And we'll leave our conversation today your good place right now.

Yeah, it's one of gratitude. And it's one of looking around at the people around me, the circumstances in my life at the season that I'm in, and being grateful for all that I've gone through to get me here. Because without that—the dark side of the coin, the dark side of the valley, The Dark Side of the Moon, whatever metaphor you want—without that darkness, I wouldn't have that perspective. I wouldn't know to be grateful for the interactions that I have with people like you every day. I wouldn't know to be grateful for an email that I get from someone saying, "Hey, I listened to your podcast, which is exactly what I needed to hear." Though without that perspective, those things may go more to ego than they do gratitude. So for me, my good place is a grateful heart.

A grateful heart. That's a great place for us to bring this together. And if people want to find out more about what Courtney Elmer is all about, how can they find out more about you? And we'll point people towards it on our website as well.

Yes, theeffortlesslife.co is my website. You can find out all about what we do and how we help people if podcasting is something you're interested in. But what really matters to me is personal human connection. So if something I said really resonated with you today or if you got value out of this episode, I'd love for you to do two things. First, I'd love for you to scroll down on Brad's podcast right now and leave a rating and review. Let him know that the work he's doing matters and that it's helping you. And if you have time after you do that, and if you're on Instagram, I'd love for you to come find me at The Courtney Elmer. Send me a DM and let me know what your takeaway was from this episode. And I'd love to hear more from you and about your story.

Awesome. We'll put connections to all that at our website cancermedcomedy.com. Her name is Courtney Elmer from theeffortlesslife.co. Her podcast is called "The Insider Secrets to a Top 100 Podcast." It has been a delight to have her and her voice here on the Cancer Comedy Podcast. Thank you, Courtney.