Approaching Cancer Conversations: Words and Actions That Heal

Hey there, lifter uppers! I'm Deb Krier, the co-host of Cancer and Comedy, where our mission is to heal cancer-impacted people through hope and humor, something we like to call turning the grim into a grin. Today, we're going to talk about helpful and appropriate things to say to someone who has cancer. So now, here's the host of Cancer and Comedy, Dr. Brad Miller.

Thank you, Deb. Thank you for always being a delight to be with on our podcast conversations. You and I get to share a lot of good things in our conversations, and we love to share these with our Cancer and Comedy audience. We like to call those folks lifter uppers because the overall theme of our podcast is to take something really bad, like a cancer diagnosis, and turn it around—turn your frown upside down.

We like to say turning your grim into a grin. The grim represents bad things like cancer, and the grin celebrates life, knowing you can have a full life regardless of your circumstances, even with a terminal diagnosis. We're going to talk a little about that today because we're all about developing a community of people who band together in many ways to help one another face cancer and other challenges to cope with hope.

We're here to get people connected to this community. You can do so by following our podcast at cancerandcomedy.com/follow. Deb, one of the things we love to do is tell dumb dad jokes. Ready for a couple? I'm ready and waiting. Here we go. What gets wetter the more it dries?

I don't know.

A towel!

Of course.

One more: Where do pencils go on vacation?

I have no idea.

Pencil-vania!

Yeah, of course. Oh my gosh. Well, as you all know, if you are a listener to our programs, when we are done with our chat, you're going to want to stick around because we have another Dr. Brad's Bad Joke of the Day. And, of course, we have our Faith It or Break It segment. As Dr. Brad said, we would love for you to be part of our Cancer and Comedy community, where together we crush cancer with a message of how to cope with hope and humor.

Please follow Cancer and Comedy at cancerandcomedy.com/follow. Today, Brad and I are going to be talking about helpful and appropriate things to say to someone who has cancer. Brad, I'm assuming that as a pastor, you have heard many things people have said. What are some appropriate approaches you've experienced in talking with people who have cancer?

Thank you for the question, Deb. I think it's a very important conversation to have. It can be, and I believe it is, very uplifting to discuss what to say and do when approaching someone who has cancer. I was an active pastor for 43 years and am still involved with the church. I'm still called from time to time to be with people who are sick or have passed away. But the circumstance we're talking about here is how to approach or say the right thing because sometimes people say things that are cringeworthy.

We talked about that in another episode.

Right, and we want to avoid those cringe moments. During a sickness or illness, people are highly sensitized. If your life is on the line, particularly with a terminal illness, you are mindful of many things and want to elicit good stuff if you can. In my 43 years of ministry, some of the most delightful, powerful, meaningful moments I’ve witnessed or experienced were during profound illness, surgery, or even the death of a loved one.

And here's the number one thing I've seen, where I believe people approach it appropriately. And that is without words, that is having a presence, right, and a meaningful hug and or expression. And I'll just, I just remember, you know, several occasions, especially a funeral I had of a relative not too long ago, but any other times it's happened where a was a meaningful hug. And then just a look at a knowing look into the eyes of someone, just kind of look in their eyes make eye contact, eye contact, it may be just a simple whispered you know, I'm with you, I love you.

And you don't have to say a whole lot but make contact and when many times it's physical contact, like a hug, or a squeeze of the arm, that kind of thing if it's personal. And I think you can also make it personal in other ways as well. But phone calls and so on, but I'd say that's number one to be a have a presence. Yeah. What do you think are some of the things that you've seen or experienced where there were some good things said or done? What were the right things to do?

Yeah, you know, this is so important, because I think what happens often is, people don't know what to do, or to say, and so they don't. And then what happens is, we think they don't care, and that they don't love us. So as you said, just that presence is so important. You know, I, I had people who told me, we didn't know what to say. And I told them, you know, Hallmark has cards. And, and I still have all of those cards that were sent to me.

So yeah, the little gifts, little things, you know, things like that, it might seem silly to do that. But if it meant the world to me, um, even if they just clicked like, on a Facebook post, or you know, put a heart or something like that, again, just something so that I knew they were there.

I think something else is important to do in these connections because these connections can lead to conversations, deeper conversations that are appropriate. But one of those is to validate somebody's emotions they're going through, right, man if they need to cry it out, let them cry it out. Right, you know, or tell them you need to be brave. Yeah, that's not right. You know, don't do that. And if they need to yell it out, let them yell it out. And that's okay. So if they did be mad at the mad at God or mad at the disease, you know.

I have a relative who dealt with very serious cancer, and their approach was F cancer, you know, you taught Yeah, and this was not someone I say that. Yep. Yeah, I'm just saying, I've just hated that particular case. This is not a person who would normally say that all the time, you know, they would use that expression, sometimes for various situations, but they kind of have a kind of go-to thing. And there's not a place for judgment, Oh, you shouldn't say that kind of thing. But the idea here is to validate people's emotions and let them get it out. It is a difficult time. It's a tough time. And we need to let people do that. So let's couple that I've got anything else you've got there in regards to people that the right things to say or do,

you know, be specific when you're doing things because people want to help you they want to do you know, and they want to help you get through it. So be specific about what you're doing. You also don't just say, Hey, Brad, let me know if there's anything you need. Because first, you don't want to bother them. You don't want to ask your brain can't even get around that. Be specific and say, Can we bring you dinner on Thursday? Can we dry? Can I drive you somewhere? You know, because I can get my head around that? And I can say yes or no.

But you know, it's those things that I think really make a difference to be specific. And if you're not anywhere, where you're close to them, you know, distance wise, there are lots of other things, you know, I I'm not a big fan of sending flowers. People sent me flowers, and my allergies went berserk on and so you know, and again, they meant well, they had no idea that it was gonna make me sneeze my full head off.

And so they just got put, I didn't you know, they just got put a little bit further away from me, right? But there's meal order places there's, you know, all sorts of things that we can do remotely. And again, be that presence. Hey, can we do it? Can we have a phone conversation? Can we be on Zoom? You know, FaceTime, all of those various things? Just, you know, let them know that they're not alone. Yeah.

I think that is so awesome. Or if they're going to send something you tap, maybe either tell people what is appropriate, send, send, send chocolates, whatever it would be.

We'll check with them first. Things that were great that I couldn't eat,

communicate, you know, that kind of thing. I think I know. You mentioned hey, let's have maybe have that conversation you haven't had for a long time and that might be a place for something we could do to share good memories share pleasant memories, or reminisce a little bit there's nothing wrong with some good reminiscing, not and I don't mean kind of the morbid thing but now that you're going to die let's think about you know, your father dies down, but have a positive memory of maybe a time you shared. Whenever it was, and you know what pleasant memories good reminiscing, you didn't but it often does, it puts a knowing smile on your head.

I can bring humor back into it, that's okay.

That's right. Because a lot of times those stories are of some, you know, family vacation or somebody did something or the dog or you know, ran off or whatever it was no, some great story that you could tell those legendary stories that happened, you know, I know even now that I can, you can kind of have key words I can say with my brother, or my sisters, or my mom, and they can bring up memories from our past or with my friends, college friends, we can talk about an incident that happened, you know, and Halloween of 1978. And we could still go Oh, yeah, I remember that. So whatever it would be, we can eliminate those types of things. Hey, you gotta think also your list of things you can say or do.

You know, it was interesting, because we always have a pre-chat about this. And one of the things that I hadn't even really thought about this until it was in one of the videos you sent was don't automatically exclude people, you know, don't think, Oh, they're going through chemo. So they don't want to join us or, you know, they're, they're having a rough time. So I don't want them there bringing the party down. You know, all sorts of things like that. Give the person the chance to tell you yes or no. You know, and I think that was what really hit home. Because if we do make those assumptions, you know, they don't feel good. So they're not going to want to attend and then we find out that we weren't invited, and it makes us feel worse.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't assume you know, that you don't say yes, for, or no for someone, someone else, and that they get really good. A good point to make. And we can do that. Yeah, I still think we can respect people's privacy. But just ask appropriately about the proper way to be a part of their lives. You know, this has happened many times where I'd make a hospital call on somebody where somebody would come in and just kind of sit down and camp out. You need me here.

Oh, yeah, I've had campers.

And they don't, and many times someone who's sick with cancer or something else, no, they don't need you there. They need to rest or maybe they just need their significant other to be there, whatever it is. And they don't necessarily need that, you know, a neighbor from down the street, or a great aunt or somebody to come in and sit for four hours. That's more for them. And for the patient. So the idea here is to respect people's privacy and to also offer in such a way that you can do what's what's helpful. Yeah.

Right. I had a funny one when I was home recuperating. A friend said I'd like to bring you lunch. And you know, and I can fill you in on what's been going on. I thought that was great. That was fabulous. She asked what I wanted to eat. Again, perfect, right? We had this great discussion when she got there so much fun. And then she told me how much I owed her for my portion of the lunch.

Oh, that kind of stinks.

And I mean, it was fast food. It was, you know, 10, 15 bucks, not a big deal. But it just kind of set me back.

I didn't say the point is it didn't set you back financially, it set you back emotionally.

It was just a little odd.

you taste on one level emotionally, then you left that conversation a little more distant is what I'm getting at.

right. Yeah, it was just kinda weird.

Yeah, that's the that's too bad. I just think I think we can apply here. And in these types of situations, basically, the golden rule be kind, you know, just to, be genuine me kind of everybody's different. Try to have, you know, my wife and my kids often say to me, Dad read the room because they say don't read the room. You know, read try to read the room, try to be aware of what's of what's going on. And I as well, thank you, we got to do another part of this. So when we have these conversations, Deb, we don't want to avoid the reality of where we're at. You know, do you agree with that? There are some people who don't want to talk about Don't say no, don't say the word cancer. Yeah, go ahead. Those types of experiences.

Oh, most definitely. You know, and it's really funny because those were times when I was in the hospital. Right where it was, it was the elephant in the room. Right? You know, when and, I mean, what could have worked was just for them to say I'm really sorry, you're going through this. Right and then reading the room. I as the patient could have said more. Or I could have said, you know, it's so great that you're here to visit. Tell me what happened. You I saw on Facebook that you posted about such as whatever, you know, I can take that conversation then where I want it to go?

Yeah, yeah, I think part of this is just good communication skills, regardless of circumstances. But when someone has current cancer, particularly terminal cancer or something else like this, we just need to not dance around things too much. Let's just ask good questions. You know, what do you need? How can I help? And here are some options of ways that I can help. Or if you and that can be an emotional thing, it could be buying lunch, or whatever it would be. But I just think if we can be asked good questions, and not, you know, sometimes I hear my, my youngest son say this kind of thing. Hey, try being human for a while. Helps.

You know, I think some of the most moving ones were when people said, can I say a prayer with you? Right? Um, you know, and just, I think that's what it comes back to, is sometimes we just want those little simple things, you know, saying I love you, I'm sorry, this happened to you. That's okay. You know, we don't have to have these big in-depth discussions, it's okay to keep it a little bit light.

And when you offer the prayer, that gives an intimacy, it also, I'll just go a slight little preacher thing here, it also connects, what I call the horizontal with the vertical to horizontal is the connection human to human, okay, right. That's the emotional connection. But when we make that connection, kind of a triangular one, if you will, between both people and, and God, that's kind of, the vertical. And when you do that, it just helps. It just helps bring that healing, force, into play. And, in the prayers when you offer a prayer, I almost always did that in my pastoral life. But you know, not always in my personal life. But I agree with you that, you know, that kind of raises the level of, intimacy, and the conversation, right? And most people appreciate it, and most people accept it. And that's a good thing. Well, anything else you want to share? In this conversation?

Yeah, again, think of what you would want said to you during the circumstance. You know, and, and as you said, and I love this, read the room, you know, if, if the person is falling asleep, well, maybe it's time for you to leave, you know, or, yo, if if you can, you can tell, you know, what's, what's going on, and what do they need. And sometimes it might make you as the guest, the visitor a little uncomfortable, but it might really help them. And you also remember that you're there to help them not to help yourself feel better that you know, hey, I've made this visit today.

Yeah, yeah, I think it's well, well said, and I, I think part of what I want to share to kind of bring this conversation around is for us to be mindful, you know that people do need us. If we're, if we're the cancer patient, we need people. And if we're the ones offering some sense of relationship, people do need us, right, that's part of the healing process. So don't not do things. Do things, right. But also know that there are some kind of appropriate and inappropriate ways of doing things.

But we hope that what we've done here today is give you some insight. And we'll you know, put our show notes in our notes that will be helpful to you as well, to gain some insights about what of how to actually do this, how to talk to somebody with cancer with terminal cancer, or if you're on the side if you're the cancer patient, how to be the one to accept it and to engage with someone who's trying to be helpful to you. Because I want to go back to the premise you start off with everybody really wants to be helpful. They don't always know how to do it, right?

Yeah. So what we always like, are bad dad jokes. So have you got another one to share with us?

Oh, yeah, I do. I do. I do.